John David Pate-3years old

James Daniel Pate-3years old

Monday, December 15, 2008

Mommy's Thoughts!

This is Dana typing the update today. I am proud to say that I am actually out of the bed and moving about pretty good. I do have to say though, a c-section is not my idea of a pleasurable way to give birth to babies. I have had my share of surgeries, but oh my goodness, the fire I felt in my abdomen was serious pain. Everyone that asks me if that was my first c-section, I always kindly respond...and my last one too!!!!

My emotions are completely out of whack. Last night after we were home and settled, Rob brought the girls home from Mamaw's and they were elated to see Mommy. I wanted to run and pick them up and squeeze them tight but I just wasn't able to due to the excruciating pain in my tummy. We ate supper and watched Christmas Story and then off to bed for everyone. Ellie asked me several time if I was going to leave again or stay forever. I cried every time she asked me that because it confirmed for me just how much my children were aware Mommy was gone. Jenna would stop herself in the middle of play and run over to see me on the couch and say Mommy, Mommy,Mommy and laugh out loud. Claire of course understood Mommy was home and not leaving again and seemed so at peace to go to sleep after Mommy and Daddy tucked her in. My heart was flooded with joy to be home, to see what an amazing job my husband did to our home and with our children while I was gone. It warmed my heart to see the bond they had with their daddy and how "in charge" Daddy was. But as the night became quiet my heart began to ache. I tried to prepare myself leaving the hospital, knowing I would be back soon to check in and see my babies. But the reality of how critical our babies are and how helpless I am began to sink in. I began to cry and physically ache within my chest at the thought of my babies being so far from their mommy and I not being able to just reach out and touch them or help them in any way. I remember being pregnant with them and thinking what a relief it would be to have them out and "safe". But being on the other side of that thought makes me want to tuck them back inside of me and protect them from everything they are enduring on the outside.

James is still on the CPAP with 30% oxygen and John David is still on the VENT with 21% oxygen. Both boys had brain scans this morning and both were clear. Praise God for that report. James also had his renal ultrasound and it came back normal. Dr.Mena did say he had some fluid on his kidneys but he wasn't alarmed by that because it is typical to see that in newborn babies. They will re-scan in a couple of weeks to check the fluid. Both boys are still under the Billi lights. Both boys are having heart ultrasounds today and we will hopefully have the reports for those tonight. Dr. Mena said he was comfortable with where both boys are right now. He said they are progressing slowly but doing pretty good.

I have to constantly remind myself of one very important truth during all of this uncertainty and emotional pain I am enduring every single second of the day, and that is My All Powerful and All Knowing GOD is in control of it all. I feel myself just cry out to HIM in Praise and Pain. I thank HIM from the bottom of my soul for protecting me and them throughout that unbelievable scary pregnancy. I thank HIM for delivering them in the crucial hours in which we could have lost them. I remember Dr. Gonzalez telling me on the Monday before they were born,"I will see you Thursday or Friday for the next Doppler scan". My soul quivers to think of "what if" he had not come Thursday and waited until Friday. So I know in my heart God has an amazing plan for these babies' lives and I am so overcome with gratitude to HIM and honor to HIM for choosing me to be the carrier of HIS miracles and the Mommy to love and care for them.

I will never be able to express to all of you who have kept in touch with us and our story over these past few months how much I appreciate your thoughts and prayers. My heart feels peace at times that I know has been prayed for and God has granted. Please do keep praying for our miracle babies, James Daniel and John David, to grow strong and thrive well and be healthy in every possible way.

Psalm 139:13-14 "For you created my innermost being, you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful."


Charline H. said...

Dana & Rob,
Though I know the physical pain of a C-Section, I can't imagine what you are feeling with this physical separation from the boys. Just know that they are where they need to be "for a little while."
"In this you greatly rejoice, though now "for a little while" you have been distressed by various trials."
I Peter 1:6
Prayers are continuing. Love you all.

Laura said...

I am so glad to be reading your updates. I have been passed news from time to time from my old OMIS crowd. I will continue to pray for you, your boys, and your family as you get through this time. What an amazing journey you have been through to get to today.

"Be joyful in hope." Romans 12:12

Laura (Alexander) Waldrop

Marsha said...

Still praying and praising. . .

roy/elisabeth dean said...

THose girls are soooooo sweet! I am so happy you are home with them. It sounds like Rob did a fantastic job being Mr. Mom...he is probably thrilled you are home too!
Get some rest and let me know what night I can bring dinner. Blow kisses to the babies for us!
Love, Elisabeth & Roy

Lori Lancaster said...

I was so excited to see those sweet pics of the boys! Brought back memories! When Dane walked into the kitchen and saw them, he thought they were pictures of Will that I had put on the computer. It really is amazing to see those babies in the NICU - it has been even more amazing when I receive their Christmas cards every year and see what fat babies and healthy children even the smallest ones have grown into. God is good and I know He and all of those wonderful nurses are doing what is best for them at all times. It is so hard living between the NICU and your children at home especially when you can't drive in those first weeks after a c-section, but very soon all of this will be a distant memory, a blip on your radar of life that has done wonderful things for your faith in God! What a beautiful family you have. Please call on me when you need to! Hope you got the dinner gift card! Enjoy!
Lori Lancaster